In-Con Sequential Art
Friday
Nov112011

Sixteen Tons

They call me a hoarder, man, but I prefer collector
Erector of cardboard standees, conscientious objector
To the specter of guilt that brings fervent fanboys to shame
I’m on a vector to the swag Hall of Fame
Name your fandom; even random guesses tend to be hits
Cenobite sculptures, giant Vultureman cutout with Wily Kit
And Wily Kat, stuffed Bat-Mite, and Reservoir Dogs
Misters Pink, Blond, White, Orange, all pictured on pogs
Street Frogs CD with Doc Slick, Honey Love Loretta
Operetta, Guy Fawkes mask from V for Vendetta
Beretta signed by that chimp cop from Planet of the Apes
Count Duckula brand double-sided duct tape
Which I use to hold together all the product and package
Tetris that helter skelter shelter with my souvenir stackage
Fire hazard grossly gathered, credit score and I dive
Like Scrooge McDuck into this junk until I’m buried alive

Sixteen tons, and what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
St. Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store


Light Saber? Got a couple
Invader Zim somewhere in the rubble
Red stapler signed by Milton
Vincent Valentine bracer Blu-Ray Advent Children
And I built a tie fighter
And a model kit car Kit Night Rider
Night Crawler so baller
Makin’ it rain monopoly dollars
Reynolds revolver sits at my hip
Leia slave collar amongst all this shit
Kit Cloudkicker animated cell signed
Sick Shroud Stickers and a mask of Mankind
Pokémon, Digimon, had to catch 'em all
Teen Titan Tea set, Two Tardis Stalls
Games marked up, rebought, from my youth
Seventh Guest, Neverwinter Nights, and Super Sleuth

Super Mario Shower Power; papier mache model of the Black Tower
Jedi Power Battles lunch box, origami Fire Flower
My mattress full of Tribbles, body pillow of Dale Gribble
Bed sheets displaying Tecmo Bowl, Baseball Stars, and Double Dribble
Bubble bursts, at worst they triple; Wizard is oh so fickle
Simply sit and stick and quickly you’ll pick up a pretty nickel
Collections rise in value, vintages accrue for brand new
Never unwrapped six pack of the Flash and Clash of the Titans shampoo

Sixteen tons, and what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
St. Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store


My rubber super ball collection is matched by no other
I got unreleased Mattel goodies, like a Kia Hot Wheels and Ken’s brother (DIRK!)
Sally Struthers cutlery covers, Keenan and Kell orange soda
Simpsons Sing the Blues reissue and a Yom Kippur Yoda
Defeated by Disney, maxed on Marvel and McFarlane
Mister Rogers cardigan, Madmartigan meal guide but I’m starvin’
While the carousel from Binghamton brings me close to Rod Serling
A Wesley Crusher (for soda cans!) mimes the fate I’m deserving
Self-serving beyond my means, crank retro pop culture shirt silk screens
Printed each for a buck sixteen, they’ll sell at Hot Topic to the fucked-up teens
Alf patches for their jeans, tube dreadlock wigs of the Borg Queen
Mass producing useless accessories to desperately pander to the cosplay scene
Make a middleman out of me ‘cause this little hobby? It’ll never be free
Sit pretty as a princess, get people to invest in this merchandise marquis
Hook ‘em in the next generation, build a new foundation of fanboys who find their fun
Spending their remuneration on trinket innovation ‘til they’re buried under sixteen tons

Sixteen tons, and what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
St. Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store