In-Con Sequential Art
Tuesday
Mar242015

Ex-Men

Not everyone is destined for greatness
Some are meant to stay faceless, keeping humble and graceless
The power that defines is not always heroic
Those just like me all know this; they remain boldly stoic

In my youth mutations changed my condition
Knowledge like a physician of all human nutrition
And donning cape and cowl I accepted my mission
Finding new definition as the brave Dietician

I'm semi-psychic, you can believe all the rumors
I can tell people's future just by drinking their humors
And with a nose like this I can't stay incognito
They call me the Mosquito; holy shit, it's Magneto!

The Thermos could earn us a bit of warm broth
John Curtis would turn up, the slow hand of justice, Sloth
Infantus and Pete, there mighty babe and his sitter
Atlas fell in defeat to the Villain GPS, now he’s bitter

Tooth decay can't stand against the power of the Fluoridator!
They call me Horoscope because I'm sometimes vaguely right about the future!
I'm the Ecdysiast, and I combine classical English with sensual dancing. 
They call me the Milkman but not just because I have a lot of illegitimate children!

I make things explode into puffs of pink popcorn
You'd think that I would rock more every time that I lock horns
But when the X-Men called me up, I went deserter
Not a true villain hurter; because that would be murder

Everything I touch briefly smells like roast peanuts
I'm a salted nut genius, they call me Legume Jesus
And I've earned modest fame here in fair Las Colinas
My face on tourist leaflets... man, I fucking hate peanuts

They call me the Brick, 'cause well, I look like a Brick
If you need something smashed I guess I’ll do the trick
My mobility is limited, I’m neither quick nor slick
And unless you’re a Mason, man I should go by the Mason

The Dew Drop sweat beverages, like those Gatorade commercials
Jaleel White had no powers, but hey, he played Urkel
The Safety could stop bullets, unless you flipped him
The Mutant wasn’t very original… 

Apparently young adult comic books aren't the proper venue for Colonel Handjob
I'm the Boss because my mutant power is looking like Bruce Springsteen!
I'm the Plumber... no, I'm seriously a plumber.
I’m Gary Gygax, I helped invent D&D

We were never accepted, never part of the club
We were always excluded from the exclusive hot tub
We were given our trial, were given a glimpse
Then the professor would call us into his office, with a wince

I'm the Boner Killer, and I met Ron Jeremy in a YMCA shower.
My power is Blackface, and I’d never use it
I’ve got bullets for toes, it’s not really that helpful
Dog Walken, I’m a dog that does a phenomenal Christopher Walken impersonation if he was pretending to be a dog
I am Sequential Stan, and I have a lot of great ideas for new superheroes!
They call me Cool Story Bro, so let me tell you how I got that name. One time, when I was at Computer Camp... 
I’m Clippy, I give advice you don’t want and stick around too long
I’m the 4th Wall, and we’re in a song written just for Kracklefest